Brian Pickard's Page

In sending the script out to people I've always asked who their favorite characters are. There are lots of off the wall characters in the script, but one character I heard more than any other is Seargent Ross. He's a crazy, shell shocked vet with an interesting view on life. As a sneak peek, here's the first scene in the script introducing the character of SARGE! *YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP IF YOU'RE OFFENDED BY CRUDE LANGUAGE! (He's a pretty raw character).
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EXT. SARGE'S HOUSE – DAY

Ben pulls into another yard. Here a man sits on the front porch. He is older and looks terrible. He has a long beard and a balding head. He sits in a bathrobe and boxer shorts, no shirt underneath. He is SERGEANT ROSS.

BEN
(Saluting as he approaches the porch)
Good morning, sir!

SARGE
Good is a value judgment, boy. Morning yes, good, who said so?

BEN
Okay.

SARGE
I got the gout in my big toe, the shrapnel in my back is aching like a motherfucker. A fine how do you do from a cluster fuck called Operation Phoenix outside of Danag.
I got boils on my ball sack, probably from Agent Orange but other than that, I'm doing just fucking ducky.

BEN
I might have something to brighten your mood a little.

Ben drops a pile of old magazines in the Sarge's lap.

BEN (CONT'D)
Picked 'em up at the Crawford's house. I think the misses must have found them and made Greg throw them out.

SARGE
Sir.

BEN
Sorry, SIR.

Sarge picks up the magazines and starts to thumb through them. Ben walks across the porch and goes to a large wooden box set up to hold the trash. Ben lifts the lid and starts to pull out bags.

SARGE
Well sweet baby Jesus, look at the rip on her. Back in my day, the only thing a guy had to wonder about was whether the carpet matched the drapes, and let me tell you, you couldn't pass a comb through those things if your life depended on it. I hacked jungle in Nam that was easier to push through. Now, shit, they primp it, powder it, trim it, like it's some kind of god damned poodle. I don't care what you do to it, it's all the same shit. Like my grandfather used to say, stand them on their heads and their all sisters. I gotta say though, that's a fine looker snapper right there, boy. Hoo-ah!

The Sarge gives them a salute.

BEN
Jesus.

Ben reaches into the box again and pulls out a large gun.

BEN (CONT'D)
Is this thing legal sir.

SARGE
Legal? Fuck legal. Guns are like women, son. The best ones are illegal. That my boy is my rider to the Homeland Security bill in case I gotta get in on the Patriot Act, if you catch my meaning. War is Hell boy. God damned towel heads are hittin' everywhere. Just a matter of time before they show up here looking to start some shit. That little beauty there is for domestic home protection.

BEN
Are you kidding, you could take out the whole town with this thing.

SARGE
Sir.

BEN
Yes, sir.

Ben puts the gun back in the box and collects up the bags. The Sarge sets down one magazine and goes to pick up another. Ben notices that the Sarge's erect penis is sticking up out of his boxer shorts.

BEN (CONT'D)
Whoa, at ease, sir.

Sarge looks down and sees what he's talking about.

SARGE
God damned boy. I ain't had a chub on like that since my last R n R in Hong Kong. That was a weekend boy, I got introduced to Ming Lau, a one legged whore and the clap in the same weekend. Well worth the burn though, she was something. God knows, when the trooper will march again, best not let the opportunity pass.

Sarge collects the magazines and heads for the door.

SARGE (CONT'D)
Dismissed, soldier.

Ben's eyes are wide and he takes the trash to the truck. He fires up the rig and continues on his route.
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